FUCK YOU CANCER

FUCK YOU CANCER.

Fuck you for existing. Fuck you for multiplying in the cells of so many beautiful people across the country, across the globe. Fuck you for creeping in the lives of unsuspecting victims.

Fuck you for taking my grandfather in 2000.

Fuck you for taking my grandmother a year later in 2001.

Fuck you for showing up in the lives of several of my loved ones.

Fuck you for showing up in the life of my mother.

Fuck you for showing up in my own body.

FUCK YOU CANCER.

It's sad. When you think about it, when was the last time you heard of someone dying of natural causes? What does that even mean anymore? Is there such thing as just dying of old age? Of going to sleep when you're somewhere in your 90s, and your heart just stops beating because it's tired? Not because it has some sort of blockage, or because you ate too much bacon in your younger days, or had too much fun? Does that even happen anymore?

My greatest fear, if I really sit and think about it, is my own mortality.

I was raised Catholic, raised to believe that there is a life after this, and that my maker, my loved ones and all that I care about is there and waiting for me when I kick the bucket. I will be reunited with my Papa Joe, who in 2000 was the first loved one I lost. Who after over a decade of prostate cancer succumbed just two days after my 17th birthday while I was at a Dave Matthews Band concert with a friend. I will also be reunited with my Grandmother, his wife Trudy, who just over a year and a week later also passed, after a year without him, the man she lived for day in and day out. I'll be reunited with friends who died tragically in motorcycle accidents, or of drug overdoses. Friends who ended their own lives, or who fell at the hand of others.

I'm 29 years old, and I know of so many who have passed and who have in some way imprinted in the sand of my soul. It's tragic, it's painful, it's true. And while no death is really pain free, and any less tragic, Miya's death stung today.

Miya and I had never been particularly close. When you hear of those sorority stories, the ones where you know your big and your grand big, and you're so freaking close to them it's almost disgusting, but you don't care because it's your life and you're caught up and it's great. That wasn't our story. Amanda and I clicked and hit it off right away, and Miya and I pretended to. But the truth is we were never really all that close.

When Miya first contacted me earlier back in June to come and visit me at Apple, I was, admittedly a little busy. Not just with work, but with life. I had seen her the month before at Luau, and she had mentioned wanting to tour the Apple campus. I of course suggested that she ping me when her and her boyfriend were interested in coming. When that actually happened, I couldn't be bothered to put down my trivial workload and to make time for an old friend, regardless of who she may be. I was so caught up in my workload, and granted the fact that Apple security is ridiculous, that I made excuses as to why I couldn't. She seemed ok with the fact that I was unable to and quickly moved on.

A few months later, she wanted to meet for dinner, and I put it off for awhile, but eventually agreed to it. I don't know what it is about me that puts off some of the people that have made an impact in my life. I don't know if it's just because i'm such an asshole or if I truly am just that lazy, but I have a habit of making excuses to make time for my friends. It sucks, and i've lost a lot of people because of it. So when I finally agreed to meet with Miya, I was a little surprised in myself for having agreed to it and also at the thought that it might be awkward.

While we sat there at dinner, I remember talking about her cancer. She was oddly at peace about it. I asked her how she was feeling, both physically, mentally and spiritually. And while she was recovering on a physical level, she was very non-commital about her spirituality. She didn't quite know if there was something else out there, if she was ok with it. She didn't know if she had some sort of master plan, or if she was destined for anything. She was just present. That's all. No more, no less, she was present.

Cancer sucks. I don't know how it started, and I don't think it will ever end. There are so many forms, so many terrifying ways that can end our lives. Some that are more present than others, like Miya, others that are so rare and so random that none of us truly to ever be free of it.

Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.

It's a word that no one thinks much of anymore. It has become such a part of our lives. It has creeped into our minds just as it has the cells in our body and has invaded our way of thinking, of allowing this to be normal. When did this become normal? Does anyone die peacefully? Free of pain? Free of anguish?

My dear Miya,

Our relationship wasn't perfect. We weren't super close, and we weren't necessarily ideal for one another. I want you to know that you taught me something. A lot of times, when people die, some come out in this weird way, an epiphany of sorts where they make the death of the person all about themselves and some miraculous lesson that they learned and how we're all going to be different because of it. I won't bullshit you Miya. Truth is, that life is going to go on, and that in one way or another i'll probably forget the way i'm feeling right now. But I want you to know this. Cancer isn't fair. It's not discriminatory of who it chooses as it's victims, it doesn't care what your family or life looks like when it ultimately decides to take your last breath. Cancer is a bitch. If there is anything I will remember about it you, it will be the final day that I saw you, how incredibly at peace you seemed, even six months before you left this world. In all the challenges that i've had with my faith, you showed me what it was like to feel it in the end. Your cover photo on FB being:

Dear God,
From the bottom of my heart
I want to thank you.
For being with me all the way,
for never leaving me,
for loving me.

I hope you were at peace the day you lost your motor function, the ability to speak. I hope in your final days, you were at disneyland mentally with the Giusti's. I hope that somewhere, you were picturing what it'd be like to swim with dolphins, to be free of pain, of judgement, of it all.

I hope that tonight, your first night in heaven, you're free. Completely, totally, utterly. And in in his loving arms.

God bless you Miya. Until we meet again.

Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of a holding pattern.

I'm 29 years old. I work for a great company, working on a great team, I have an amazing family, I have terrific friends, I have a roof over my head, I have a boyfriend and an amazing dog.

Truth is though, I feel like so much of it is sort of a lie. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for someone to realize that I don't deserve any of these things. That one day, the relationship I've now had for 8 years will be ripped out beneath me, I'll have shared custody of my dog, I'll be living with my parents. That maybe another day, someone will realize I don't have the credentials to work for Apple, and that after three years, I shouldn't have ever gotten a job there to begin with.

I keep waiting for my life to start. I keep thinking that when Marcus finally proposes, we can move forward with the dream of a family life, a great home, more dogs, a back yard to relax in. I keep thinking I just need one more thing to happen and then everything will just fall into place and my life will start. This past fall, while in the midst of launching iPad, I kept telling myself that I needed to get thru it, that we'd adopt a puppy, that I'd spend all this time with my family and my friends, and that life would finally start.

I'm not the most honest person in the world, most of all with myself. I keep telling myself that everything is going to be ok, and that I just need to hang on a little longer and all will be right in the world. But the reality is, I don't believe that. And so I'm sitting here in this holding pattern, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

At the end of the day, I want to be happy. I guess I'm still learning what it is that makes me happy?

I think I want children, but then I think I don't.

I think I want a nice house in the bay area, with a yard that can house at least 3 more dogs. But then I think about how much money is involved, and I get discouraged.

I think I want to marry Marcus, but there are times I feel like we're on such different wavelengths, and that I'm just staying with him because I have been with him for so long, and to walk away would be so excruciatingly painful.

I think some days, I just want to move home with my parents, because I miss them, and my sister so very much.

I hate being in this holding pattern. I'm waiting for my real life to begin. How do I jumpstart it?

Resolution Revolution

I'm the first to admit, that like so many others, I often start the new year with a ridiculous list of resolutions. Ideas of getting in shape and dropping a ridiculous amount of weight, doing 1000 crunches a day, 100 push ups, running marathons, you name it and if it's fitness related, chances are it's been on my list.

But in the last year, i've learned a lot about both myself and my goals. For so long, i've had resolutions. And i'm not just talking about fitness ones that come every January. I've had resolutions when work gets incredibly strenuous, about how after launch, i'll be happier, healthier, and focus more on my overall health. I've had resolutions about going back to school and getting a degree that means something. I've had resolutions about dedicating myself to photography and documenting the simple things in life. I've had so many great ideas, and in reality, very rarely do I follow up on any of them.

It's all good and nice to have aspirations to improve oneself, but why do we try to hold ourselves to these grandiose ideas that are often unrealistic and hard to obtain?

My boyfriend is a lot of things. At the moment, a royal pain in my ass. I've been sick with what turned out to be pneumonia for the last two weeks (great way to spend Christmas and New Years thank you very much), and now he's come down with a little cold. The world is now coming to an end in my house, but I digress... Marcus is someone who sets a goal, and he achieves it. His goals or "resolutions" are never blanket statements like i'm going to get fit and lose 100lbs this year. He sets realistic goals, develops a realistic plan to reach them, and then just does it!

With that, he's taught me that when you set goals for yourself, if you set these large goals that are out of reach, you're never going to be able to see any progress as you strive to achieve them. This often leaves you frustrated and unmotivated, and many end up giving up before any real progress is even made.

Think about it. One example that is often seen every January with the thousands that flock to gyms around the country, are people who want to "get fit" and "lose weight" without any real plan on how to get there. They of course give up a month later, and all the "regulars" breathe a sigh of relief that their precious cardio machines aren't being hogged.

My point in all this rambling is that resolutions need to undergo a revolution of sorts. Don't set unrealistic goals. Set a solid goal. Pick milestones that you can realistically achieve on the way to that goal. These will keep you positive, and by allowing yourself something to check off your list towards getting to the prize, you'll stay driven, motivated, and by hell you might even achieve it!

With that said, this year my goal is pretty simple.

I want to be happy.

I have focused so much on my career in the last three years that other areas of my life have suffered. My family for one, being perhaps the most important area that needs improvement.

My family means more to me than anything in this world. I want to spend more time with my brother and sister, and get back to where we once were when all under the same roof. I know it won't be the same, but still. Gina and Peter are the best siblings a girl could ask for, and I want to get to know them better at this point in their lives. I want to be there to support my brother in his relationship and as he develops his own strengths in his career. I want to be there for my sister as she comes into her own in her own work life, and as she falls more deeply in love. They are my best friends, and I want to be more involved in their lives.

And my parents. We've been through so much in the last few years, and a real healing has occurred as of late. I want to get more mommy and me time, and talk about something other than high tech and sports with my dad. I want to get past the relationship that we've had, and move forward to what they've been meant to be all this time.

I also want to focus on my own new little family. Marcus and I hit 8 years on the 17th of this month, and with our new little monster in our life, I want to focus on being there for him as he continues to grow in his new management role, and really support him in his work and gym life. I want to pump some life into our home life and have fun again, like we did when we first started dating. And Rylee, oh the love of my life, I want to give her the best life a rescue pup could hope for.

Friendship. When we grow older, we lose touch with so many of those that helped us get to where we are. We let convenience rule our personal lives, and we lose touch with those we knew back in the day. I've lost touch with so many that were such integral cogs of my development, I want to put the work in to revitalize these relationships. I've been given second chances with some that matter most, and I will not lose this opportunity.

Most importantly, I need to work on myself. I need to do some serious exploring this year as to what will really make me happy. Life has been good to me so far, and for that i'm incredibly grateful. I look around, and I don't deserve any of what I have. But i'm trying to learn to deserve it. I'm trying to learn to accept all the grace in my life that has brought me to where I am, and to enjoy it. I want to enjoy my life, to be truly happy, and to know myself, love myself, and improve myself.

My new years resolution is to be happy. I will work on the relationships with my friends, family and loved ones to get to that point, and I will work on myself and what I need to do to get there. I will focus on not letting the negativity in, on not letting it out, and on appreciating the grace that is all around me, including within me.

New year, resolution revolution. Forget the gym, who am I kidding anyway?

A New Blog

Blogging.

I used to gawk at those who called it an occupation or a hobby. I imagined them all as those stuffy hipster types you'd see dressed in an eclectic mix of bohemian style "vintage" thrift shop clothing, with piercings and tattoos tucked away in the corner on their macbooks. The type of people that ate or drank only organic because it was good for their bodies, yet they'd be chain smoking the second they stepped outside of whatever establishment they were bumming the free WIFI off of. Looking back, I think this was an incredibly judgmental attitude and for that I am sorry. It's amazes me how much we judge or criticize what we don't understand. Embarrassing really. But i've learned a lot in the last year reading blogs, and with that, maybe these folks had it right all along. 

Blogging isn't for a specific demographic. It's for all walks of life, old and young, students and professionals, grandmothers and first time moms. It's an escape, even if only temporary. 

When I was growing up, I found that writing was an escape and incredibly therapeutic. This isn't to say that I had a bad childhood, or that I wasn't granted everything my heart desired (that my parents could reasonably afford). But it was, and continues to be the way for me to get my feelings out and be able to see them from a different view. Seeing your thoughts and dreams in print allows you to evaluate them in a way we might not otherwise be afforded without doing so. And that perspective is so important. It keeps you grounded, shows you when you're being a real asshole or when you need an attitude adjustment. It shows you when you look back months or years later how much you've grown, or what you need to work on. Perspective, perhaps most importantly, reminds you that life's been good to you so far. 

So as we begin a new year, and having wanted to do this for some time now, there is no time but the present to begin documenting my hopes and dreams. My vent sessions and my musings. My attempts at humor and frustrations. I'm not doing this for someone else, hoping that someone else will read it or follow it, that i'll develop a following or that anyone will give a damn. This is for me. 

A new year, a new day, a new blog.