Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of a holding pattern.

I'm 29 years old. I work for a great company, working on a great team, I have an amazing family, I have terrific friends, I have a roof over my head, I have a boyfriend and an amazing dog.

Truth is though, I feel like so much of it is sort of a lie. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for someone to realize that I don't deserve any of these things. That one day, the relationship I've now had for 8 years will be ripped out beneath me, I'll have shared custody of my dog, I'll be living with my parents. That maybe another day, someone will realize I don't have the credentials to work for Apple, and that after three years, I shouldn't have ever gotten a job there to begin with.

I keep waiting for my life to start. I keep thinking that when Marcus finally proposes, we can move forward with the dream of a family life, a great home, more dogs, a back yard to relax in. I keep thinking I just need one more thing to happen and then everything will just fall into place and my life will start. This past fall, while in the midst of launching iPad, I kept telling myself that I needed to get thru it, that we'd adopt a puppy, that I'd spend all this time with my family and my friends, and that life would finally start.

I'm not the most honest person in the world, most of all with myself. I keep telling myself that everything is going to be ok, and that I just need to hang on a little longer and all will be right in the world. But the reality is, I don't believe that. And so I'm sitting here in this holding pattern, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

At the end of the day, I want to be happy. I guess I'm still learning what it is that makes me happy?

I think I want children, but then I think I don't.

I think I want a nice house in the bay area, with a yard that can house at least 3 more dogs. But then I think about how much money is involved, and I get discouraged.

I think I want to marry Marcus, but there are times I feel like we're on such different wavelengths, and that I'm just staying with him because I have been with him for so long, and to walk away would be so excruciatingly painful.

I think some days, I just want to move home with my parents, because I miss them, and my sister so very much.

I hate being in this holding pattern. I'm waiting for my real life to begin. How do I jumpstart it?