FUCK YOU CANCER

FUCK YOU CANCER.

Fuck you for existing. Fuck you for multiplying in the cells of so many beautiful people across the country, across the globe. Fuck you for creeping in the lives of unsuspecting victims.

Fuck you for taking my grandfather in 2000.

Fuck you for taking my grandmother a year later in 2001.

Fuck you for showing up in the lives of several of my loved ones.

Fuck you for showing up in the life of my mother.

Fuck you for showing up in my own body.

FUCK YOU CANCER.

It's sad. When you think about it, when was the last time you heard of someone dying of natural causes? What does that even mean anymore? Is there such thing as just dying of old age? Of going to sleep when you're somewhere in your 90s, and your heart just stops beating because it's tired? Not because it has some sort of blockage, or because you ate too much bacon in your younger days, or had too much fun? Does that even happen anymore?

My greatest fear, if I really sit and think about it, is my own mortality.

I was raised Catholic, raised to believe that there is a life after this, and that my maker, my loved ones and all that I care about is there and waiting for me when I kick the bucket. I will be reunited with my Papa Joe, who in 2000 was the first loved one I lost. Who after over a decade of prostate cancer succumbed just two days after my 17th birthday while I was at a Dave Matthews Band concert with a friend. I will also be reunited with my Grandmother, his wife Trudy, who just over a year and a week later also passed, after a year without him, the man she lived for day in and day out. I'll be reunited with friends who died tragically in motorcycle accidents, or of drug overdoses. Friends who ended their own lives, or who fell at the hand of others.

I'm 29 years old, and I know of so many who have passed and who have in some way imprinted in the sand of my soul. It's tragic, it's painful, it's true. And while no death is really pain free, and any less tragic, Miya's death stung today.

Miya and I had never been particularly close. When you hear of those sorority stories, the ones where you know your big and your grand big, and you're so freaking close to them it's almost disgusting, but you don't care because it's your life and you're caught up and it's great. That wasn't our story. Amanda and I clicked and hit it off right away, and Miya and I pretended to. But the truth is we were never really all that close.

When Miya first contacted me earlier back in June to come and visit me at Apple, I was, admittedly a little busy. Not just with work, but with life. I had seen her the month before at Luau, and she had mentioned wanting to tour the Apple campus. I of course suggested that she ping me when her and her boyfriend were interested in coming. When that actually happened, I couldn't be bothered to put down my trivial workload and to make time for an old friend, regardless of who she may be. I was so caught up in my workload, and granted the fact that Apple security is ridiculous, that I made excuses as to why I couldn't. She seemed ok with the fact that I was unable to and quickly moved on.

A few months later, she wanted to meet for dinner, and I put it off for awhile, but eventually agreed to it. I don't know what it is about me that puts off some of the people that have made an impact in my life. I don't know if it's just because i'm such an asshole or if I truly am just that lazy, but I have a habit of making excuses to make time for my friends. It sucks, and i've lost a lot of people because of it. So when I finally agreed to meet with Miya, I was a little surprised in myself for having agreed to it and also at the thought that it might be awkward.

While we sat there at dinner, I remember talking about her cancer. She was oddly at peace about it. I asked her how she was feeling, both physically, mentally and spiritually. And while she was recovering on a physical level, she was very non-commital about her spirituality. She didn't quite know if there was something else out there, if she was ok with it. She didn't know if she had some sort of master plan, or if she was destined for anything. She was just present. That's all. No more, no less, she was present.

Cancer sucks. I don't know how it started, and I don't think it will ever end. There are so many forms, so many terrifying ways that can end our lives. Some that are more present than others, like Miya, others that are so rare and so random that none of us truly to ever be free of it.

Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer.

It's a word that no one thinks much of anymore. It has become such a part of our lives. It has creeped into our minds just as it has the cells in our body and has invaded our way of thinking, of allowing this to be normal. When did this become normal? Does anyone die peacefully? Free of pain? Free of anguish?

My dear Miya,

Our relationship wasn't perfect. We weren't super close, and we weren't necessarily ideal for one another. I want you to know that you taught me something. A lot of times, when people die, some come out in this weird way, an epiphany of sorts where they make the death of the person all about themselves and some miraculous lesson that they learned and how we're all going to be different because of it. I won't bullshit you Miya. Truth is, that life is going to go on, and that in one way or another i'll probably forget the way i'm feeling right now. But I want you to know this. Cancer isn't fair. It's not discriminatory of who it chooses as it's victims, it doesn't care what your family or life looks like when it ultimately decides to take your last breath. Cancer is a bitch. If there is anything I will remember about it you, it will be the final day that I saw you, how incredibly at peace you seemed, even six months before you left this world. In all the challenges that i've had with my faith, you showed me what it was like to feel it in the end. Your cover photo on FB being:

Dear God,
From the bottom of my heart
I want to thank you.
For being with me all the way,
for never leaving me,
for loving me.

I hope you were at peace the day you lost your motor function, the ability to speak. I hope in your final days, you were at disneyland mentally with the Giusti's. I hope that somewhere, you were picturing what it'd be like to swim with dolphins, to be free of pain, of judgement, of it all.

I hope that tonight, your first night in heaven, you're free. Completely, totally, utterly. And in in his loving arms.

God bless you Miya. Until we meet again.